alcoholicsdaughter

A journey to a life free of alcohol

Defeated -day 3

I just feel deflated and defeated today. Is this it? Is this monologue of regret and dullness an existence?

Day far too busy, I use to use wine to switch myself off. How do I manage that now?

Im angry at my body for not being able to moderate my drinking at home.

I just feel defeated.

Day 3 – zero units 

As nightfall beckons – day 2

Well, despite finding it really difficult, (scrabbling around for enough pennies, literally to try and buy a can of cider at the local shop) I’ve managed so far to keep telling myself I have a big work meeting tomorrow and thankfully I didn’t have enough money anyway to actually head out to the local shop.

I could have got dressed and driven, but that seemed a bit insane. So despite myself thus far it’s been a night free of any alcohol. If I’ve achieved nothing else then I’ve had two alcohol days this week, which is so much more than in a while!

Think of the calories saved 600-700 per night just from wine. No wonder I’m heavierthenI’ve ever been in my life.

My skins not great, I’m developing those little spider veins on my face. That’s not great, read about those and it’s scary. Could I have cirrohsis? Or is that insane. I’ve never been to the doctors, I’m too ashamed.

Day 2 – zero units

I should be proud but my pathetic hunting for pennies earlier has disgusted me.

And she slept…

I need to keep a clear head about all of this as today I’m really struggling not to just hop in to town and grab a cheeky wee bottle of wine. It’s very compelling. Here in the uk you can buy alcohol until 10pm, so we are now at 5.10pm, 4 hours and 50 minutes to go. I thought I’d be strong but so far I appear to have the will power of a gnat.

Ive even put my pjs on after my shower this afternoon. It’s my day off.

I need to remember I slept so well last night, if falling asleep was a bit tricky.

Day 1. As evening falls and the wine monkeys begin a calling…

I’ve gone and done it. I’ve avoided the wine monkey’s hollering tonight. I can’t say I wasn’t tempted,as that would be a big fat lie. I’ve locked my purse in the desk at work incase I was tempted. Desperate measure or childish tricks but hey, if you’ve no cash you can’t buy any wine.

The first day is often easier as the guilts still with me. I’ve been reading alot today and gone over to the site ‘the drinking diaries’  this article on unwritten drinking contracts caught my eye http://www.drinkingdiaries.com/2012/10/05/why-i-made-an-unwritten-drinking-contract/

Interesting hearing others folks boundaries and perspectives. I do wonder if I have to gibe up drinking entirely or am I insane to think I can just not drink alone?

 

Well that’s certainly something to think about.

I wonder if I will sleep? I normally need to drink to sleep.

Night night.

Units – zero.

Hello world! Day 1

Another Monday morning, deep joy thankfully Monday’s are a late start. Up just before my daughter left for school. She tends to take care of herself, I’m not a morning person. However, I’m tired, I woke up in a panic at 4am, wondering where I’d put the empty wine bottle from last night. I don’t really want her to notice another bottle in the bin and I drank it after she was in bed. It was safely away. My head’s not great today, another 9+ units last night, the day started with a lemsip – rather than a coffee, to stop the headache before it starts.

I’ve not had an alcohol free day last week, and only one the week before. I’m going to try and have one tonight, which sounds fine right now, but later it will be hard to stave off the wish for a glass of wine. I’ve been reading so much online over the passed few weeks about alcoholism and women. I’m intellegent, I’ve read the consequences of drinking too much, and yet I do.  I’m not sure why I do it. I’m not unhappy, OK I’ve been through the mill with the divorce, etc but hey, I’m still here, I’m loved and have a nice life. Ok, so its lonely, but who isn’t.

I’ve been thinking about my father alot today, he died suddenly, of alcohol poisoning, 6 years older than I am now. I’m just going to tackle today,  my head is nagging at me, my skin looks crap, my jeans are too tight. On the positive, I’ve started this diary, somethings got to change.

Day 1  – Aims for the day – no wine. I have none at home,  I don’t keep any in the house. So, the main aim for today is to avoid buying any and try to get an early night. Sounds easy doesn’t it? Right now it does, but I’m sure it won’t be, but I’m only thinking about today.

Dad, I’ve not talked to you in years, not even in my head. Please keep me strong today, help me not to drink, I’m sorry but I don’t want my child to be motherless. I miss you.