Another Monday morning, deep joy thankfully Monday’s are a late start. Up just before my daughter left for school. She tends to take care of herself, I’m not a morning person. However, I’m tired, I woke up in a panic at 4am, wondering where I’d put the empty wine bottle from last night. I don’t really want her to notice another bottle in the bin and I drank it after she was in bed. It was safely away. My head’s not great today, another 9+ units last night, the day started with a lemsip – rather than a coffee, to stop the headache before it starts.
I’ve not had an alcohol free day last week, and only one the week before. I’m going to try and have one tonight, which sounds fine right now, but later it will be hard to stave off the wish for a glass of wine. I’ve been reading so much online over the passed few weeks about alcoholism and women. I’m intellegent, I’ve read the consequences of drinking too much, and yet I do. I’m not sure why I do it. I’m not unhappy, OK I’ve been through the mill with the divorce, etc but hey, I’m still here, I’m loved and have a nice life. Ok, so its lonely, but who isn’t.
I’ve been thinking about my father alot today, he died suddenly, of alcohol poisoning, 6 years older than I am now. I’m just going to tackle today, my head is nagging at me, my skin looks crap, my jeans are too tight. On the positive, I’ve started this diary, somethings got to change.
Day 1 – Aims for the day – no wine. I have none at home, I don’t keep any in the house. So, the main aim for today is to avoid buying any and try to get an early night. Sounds easy doesn’t it? Right now it does, but I’m sure it won’t be, but I’m only thinking about today.
Dad, I’ve not talked to you in years, not even in my head. Please keep me strong today, help me not to drink, I’m sorry but I don’t want my child to be motherless. I miss you.